Geoforce Tracking Red Bull Swilling Turtle: What Happened in Vegas Didn’t Stay in Vegas

Turtle #11, AKA “Larry” spotted in Vegas.

Las Vegas, Nevada, April 1, 2020, 12:38 PM PST

In our continuing coverage of the famous Galapagos turtles on the loose (see original story), here is the latest on what Geoforce and local media can determine.

Earlier today Turtle #11, dubbed “Larry” by his handlers, was spotted by security cameras approaching the Vegas Strip. Shortly thereafter several casinos were apparently cleaned out in under 4 hours. Police have no witnesses and report no actual laws have been broken. So without a positive correlation between events, they have directed all media inquiries to Geoforce.

“We broke out the crazy 48-times-a-day reporting rate for Larry,” said Jaime MacLaren III, CEO of Geoforce. “That’s twice an hour, complete overkill for monitoring industrial equipment and vehicles found in oil & gas, mining, construction, agriculture, you name it. But Larry’s a whole other animal. I can say that, right? I’m not gonna get in trouble with PETA or anything, am I?”

Nevada Fish and Game officers were equally flummoxed as the number of Larry sightings spiked, many in multiple locations simultaneously.  Mandalay Bay regulars reported warming to Larry right away. “The turtle? Oh yeah, he was here. Parties big, tips bigger. Cleared out before the pit bosses got wise,” said lifelong slot-jockey Jenall Goldilocks, whose gaze never wanders from the machine except between pulls. “You just can’t win money like that and stick around.” Tropicana security officer Cornell Hardate agreed, adding “this town ain’t healthy for him no more. Nobody hits on 16 unless they’re countin’ (cards).” Similar testimonials were reported at the Bellagio, Treasure Island, Venetian, Flamingo, Rio, and Palms hotels.

And then… nothing.

“The trail’s gone cold,” declared Daniel Schwarzenegger, lead investigator at the Nevada Fish and Game Commission. With the Geoforce data, we deduced subject #11 only visited casinos with tropical / aquatic themes, but then? Nothing. Not until…the top of the hour.” At that Officer Schwarzenegger looked at his laptop, and rapidly departed shouting  “Wyoming pin drop!”

So was this an Ocean’s 11 heist, the mother of all hot streaks, or simple coincidence? For now at least, what happened in Vegas is actually staying in Vegas.

On an unrelated note, far from the Vegas strip an anonymous good Samaritan donated over $19 million in casino chips to the Society of Saint Stephen Food Pantry today. Outreach workers were overjoyed saying, “It’s a miracle, really. First, we put out the donation plate as always, not expecting much, and went back inside. Then we heard a loud whoosh and when we came back out all these poker chips had rained down on us like…rain, I guess. This is gonna stock the Food Pantry for a year, easy!”

More to come as the news evolves.