Turtle #11, AKA “Larry”
Las Vegas, Nevada, April 1, 2020, 10:02 PST
Texas-based GPS asset tracking company Geoforce broke out their infamous “48 times a day” tracking rate on 11 Galapagos turtles that allegedly broke into and consumed a case of Red Bull energy drinks at a nature preserve off the coast of Ecuador. Caretakers at first panicked and thought they had lost their precious, threatened specimens. But they quickly remembered that Geoforce, a company that is world famous for tracking industrial field equipment and vehicles, had humanely affixed their GT1 Global Asset Tracker to the shell of each animal.
Good thing, too. Because they’re moving, and fast.
Said Jaime MacLaren III, CEO of Geoforce, “We can track anything. But I’ll admit these assets are moving at a prodigious rate. The Galapagos Islands are off the cost of Ecuador and our Track and Trace software system already shows Turtle 11 approaching the Vegas Strip. We didn’t believe the data until a hunter’s trail camera provided a corroborating photo (see picture above). I don’t know what’s in Red Bull, but I tell you I’d sure like some of that here in the office. Get my team working faster you know.”
“Yeah, that’s Larry all right,” said Louisa Ortiz of the Galapagos Conservatory Institute. “What’s in that stuff?”
MacLaren says that additional turtles are now being tracked twice an hour, with one approaching Area 51, one in El Segundo, California, and two especially festive ones stopped in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico. Federales said they could not find the turtles and Geoforce should have notified them if they were on the move.
Said one local, “¿Las tortugas? Sí, ellas estubieron aquí. Wow son muy fiesteras. Luego se fueron rapido antes de que aparecieran los federales.” This translates to, “The turtles? Yes, they were here. Wow do they party hard. Then they bounced before the Federales appeared.”
Geoforce will keep a curious world posted as events transpire.