Geoforce Tracking Red Bull Swilling Turtle Recovered in Australia

Turtle #11, AKA “Larry” found in Australia.

Melbourne, Australia, April 2nd, 2020, 23:28 PM AEDTT

Early yesterday 11 Galapagos turtles broke into and consumed a case of Red Bull energy drink at a nature preserve off the coast of Ecuador. Caretakers feared they had lost the threatened specimens, but remembered Geoforce, a company that tracks industrial field equipment and vehicles, had humanely affixed a GT1 Global Asset Tracker to the shell of each animal. This is the last in a series of breaking reports keeping readers informed on what Geoforce and local media can determine.

“Yeah, we’re not really sure this itinerary comports with the laws of physics, to be honest.”, said Jaime MacLaren III, CEO of Geoforce. “We’re in Steven King territory now. I’m just glad it’s over and Larry is safe. But we can talk about it tomorrow. After coffee.”

MacLaren has reason to let tomorrow handle tomorrow. He and his exhausted team of 100 Geoforce employees based in Plano, TX, Houston, TX, Bozeman, MT, Englewood, CO, Arroyo Grande, CA, Macae, Brazil, Calgary, Canada, and Melbourne, Australia, have been working 24/7 tracking (and trying to make sense of) the bizarre travels of Larry the Turtle, who was inexplicably recovered at a “raging barbie” on Brighton Beach at 22:17 in Melbourne, Australia.

Local zoologists rushed to the scene to find Larry passed out but breathing.  Reconstructing events from the empty Foster’s cans, numerous baby sea turtle tracks leading into the ocean, and scores of seagull carcasses, they reason Larry spent his last conscious moments leading the next generation of turtles into the sea.

Said veterinarian Dr. Timmy Lappie to Geoforce staff: “It’s a bit iffy whether a turtle is sleeping or cactus, mate.  But he’s not carked it.  Even a Galah sees the little bugger is just plum knackered. Blokes party hard, but gees mate, that little ankle biter is stuffed. I reckon he’s been flat out on the piss all night. No worries, though. A servo tucker brekky and he’ll be stoked in no time.”

Australian telephone operators assure Geoforce this is English.

But Customer Success Agent Janna Mulligan did have to call Dr. Lappie three times to convince him that Larry belonged back in Ecuador, where he started only 24 hours prior.

Finally convinced by Geoforce Track and Trace data, Dr. Lappie said he would arrange Larry’s passage back to the Galapagos Conservatory Institute, and Larry will likely sleep the whole way.

Ten other “Red Bull” turtles remain at large. Their stories have not been told.