Turtle #11, AKA “Larry” making his musical debut.
Denver, Colorado, April 1st, 2020, 4:12 PM MST
Earlier today 11 Galapagos turtles broke into and consumed a case of Red Bull energy drink at a nature preserve off the coast of Ecuador. Caretakers feared they had lost the threatened specimens, but remembered Geoforce, a company that tracks industrial field equipment and vehicles, had humanely affixed a GT1 Global Asset Tracker to the shell of each animal. This is the fourth in a series of breaking reports to keep readers informed on what Geoforce and local media can determine.
Fish and Game enforcement officers admit they arrived too late to apprehend turtle #11, “Larry”, after he helped classic rock band Cheap Trick nail an afternoon concert at the famed Red Rocks Amphitheater near Denver, Colorado.
Drummer Daxx Nielsen, who never ever, ever sues his biggest fans for articles written on the Internet, especially on Cheap Trick Day, provided the details. “Yeah, that guy, he stepped up, you could say. See, we were mid-set and the crowd’s vibing on it, but then my bass drum punctures during the bridge of “High Roller”. We keep going, and in the middle of my dad’s guitar solo this turtle appears and crawls into my bass drum, plugging the hole and providing just enough surface tension to keep playing. Then he rolls on his side and looks at me like “what are you waiting for, do I have to count you in, too?”
So I reposition my kick pedal and play the rest of the set using this turtle as a bass drum patch… and we were in tune! My dad’s so impressed he calls for a drum solo, and not to brag, but it was the best I’ve ever played. We did two encores, but the turtle left while we took our bows. Maybe the roadies scared him off. Then all these park ranger guys start showing up.”
Said founder and lead guitarist Rick Nielsen, who never, ever, ever sues his biggest fans for stories written on the Internet, especially on Cheap Trick Day, “This is probably the tenth weirdest show we’ve ever done. Did you hear my kid screw up the bridge to “High Roller”?”
When told that Geoforce is tracking Larry across the United States, lead singer Robin Zander, who never ever, ever sues his biggest fans for articles written on the Internet, especially on Cheap Trick Day, asked “The turtle… sitting in the drums? You have to use satellites in outer space just to track him?” Bassist Tom Petersson who also never ever, ever sues his biggest fans for articles written on the Internet, especially on Cheap Trick Day, just smiled. Then he comes up with “Ya know, we did open for the Turtles once.”
Louise Lockerup, lead investigator at Colorado Fish and Game noted that “With the Geoforce data, we ascertained our subject was heading due south from Wyoming, but Denver’s not your typical Cheap Trick kind of town.” At that, she glanced at a text message on her phone and walked away muttering about Australia.
On an unrelated note, Cheap Trick’s road manager, who also never, ever, ever sues the band’s biggest fans for articles written on the Internet, especially on Cheap Trick Day, said “I don’t know how this happened but I’m hearing that a portion of tonight’s profits were dropped off at Food Bank of the Rockies, on 45th Avenue in Denver. We’re not gonna get that back, are we?”